The Rigged Rumble: A Review of Rumble No.1, 31st January
A moderately sized crowd turned up today, after recent leaked news that Skelenegro had signed up some new /v/WE wrestlers, who were confirmed for appearing in today's rumble. We saw the newcomers, Phoenix Wright and Buzz Lightyear. While Buzz shone in today's rumble, Phoenix's performance was pretty sub-par, but it was his first match so we'll have to see how he develops in the coming days of /v/WE.
After an interesting start to today's rumble, with Sanic going faster than Liquid Snake's CQC and thus managing to finish him off while the crowd cried "BROTHER", Wesker makes an appearance, looking for complete, ring, saturation. Wesker really had a good round in this rumble, surviving for almost the longest time in the ring. Next up came "Gal o Sengen" Vegeta, who succumed to Wesker's superior abilities just a few minutes after entering the ring. Then, the crowd looked on in awe to see our first newcomer of this rumble, Buzz Lightyear.
Buzz showed some real talent for his debut, commiting himself to everyone else in the ring and taking shots at anyone he could reach. However, his "little lightbulb that blinks" proved to be ineffective and by the time Big Boss , Adam "The Future" Jensen and Guile "Gilly" arrived, it was already too late. Buzz realised he was just a toy and thus went home to be a family toy. After showing some promise, Sanic was not fast enough to overcome The Future and thus was eliminated. Although the crowd was hyped and ready for the coming of Big Boss, his performance in the ring was sub-par and was swiftly taken out of the picture by Sanic.
Before the crowd could recover from the thrills and spills of the last few minutes, they were already breaking their voice boxes (or fingers, from all the typing) as the second newcomer made his appearance. Phoenix Wright boldly took his first steps out of the courtroom and into the ring this evening, only to be sent back to the courtroom a minute or so later to go be a lawyer man by Guile. This reporter believes that there is no hope for the lawyer in this ring and should definitely stay in the courtroom and just shout "OBJECTION" at people from here on in.
So we enter the second-half of the rumble and what better way to do this by having Ezio, Captain Falcon, Scoot and Bender all fill up the ring in quick concession. Ezio wastes no time on getting his first assassination and quikly returns Guile home.
After surviving this long and taking several powerful hits in the process, the glasses are off and X Factor is activated. Wesker becomes enraged and quickly saturates Captain Falcon. This confrontation, of course, was obviously for Wesker to show his moves to Captain Falcon, which were deemed too powerful for the man. Ezio continues his assault and quickly assassinates his second victim, Scoot, who was unable to "skip around it".
The crowd's bodies were not ready for the next two contenders, as Solid Snake and Red Ranger make their way into the ring. Just like Big Boss, however, Solid Snake was quickly assassinated by Ezio, thus eliminating the Konami team from this bout. Bender was quickly shown the power of the Red Ranger and was thus next in line to be removed from this game.
Then, the clouds parted and the synth instruments sounded, as Zelda makes his way towards the ring. The crowd wasn't expecting too much from this skinny hero, but his persistance and agility proved to pay off, allowing him to completely floor the rest of the combatants at one point.Zelda showed alot of promise this rumble, removing the tired and battered Adam "The Future" Jensen, who never asked for this as he attempted to kick him out of the ring and flew out instead, while later assissting Robotnik, who had just recently entered, to remove Red Ranger from the fight. Some were sure that Zelda would probably survive long enough to get into the final three, but it was just not to be as Redpants jumped into the ring and took care of that.
Wesker, tired, battered and out of X Factor, swiftly "GOT A LOAD OF" Robotnik, whileRedpants continued his assault and removed Ezio from the ring.
Grove street represent, as CJ makes his way into the ring, attempting to follow the wise words from Big Smoke to just stay in the ring. After the removal of Ezio, Altair seeked revenge, jumping his line in the queue and assassinating Robotnik before he knew what hit him. Needless to say, Robotnik could not believe this.
Before anyone knew it, Duke Nukem appeared and made his prescence (and balls of steel) felt, as he quickly removed Altair from the match, but not before Altair assassinatedCJ.
So here we are, the final part of this tremendous rumble and before anyone could predict who was coming out next, Picard beamed down from the U.S.S Enterprise-D into the ring and attempted to roughen up Duke Nukem.
Then the crowd roared and the stadium thundered (not from the roaring) as Gaben shook the arena while walking towards the ring, followed closely by Piccolo "Doc". It is rumoured that Gaben was almost given his daily dose by The Doc, but was unable to give the dose as there was no visible point of entry.
After trying to roughen up Duke Nukem, Picard was swiftly shown the exit as he was thrown like a ragdoll out of the arena by Duke Nukem. OP tests his luck by jumping into the ring, only to be repelled STRAIGHT out again by Duke Nukem.
Then, wallets were stuffed away and pockets were filled by hands, because next to make his appearance was the one and only Wario. From this point in, it was pretty clear to all who would win, as Wario had obviously rigged the rumble from the start, in his favour.
Gaben's stomach started to rumble and when he looked up, Duke Nukem was in his sights. Before anyone knew what had happened, Duke Nukem had been eaten alive by Gaben.
Our favourite Sheriff, Woody makes his appearance and wastes no time getting to the ring and picking fights with whoever he likes. Although, this reporter feels that there was alot of tension between Woody andWario backstage, as Woody focussed alot on him during his time in the ring.
Ocelot turns up to the ring and after a slight power outage and camera failure, is no longer to be seen. It is presumed that Gaben's hunger was not fully quenched by the time Ocelot made it to the ring.
The crowds cheer once more as our final two fighters, Halo and Mega Man (who was recently signed back to /v/WE), make their appearances into the ring. From previous encounters, most people were certain that Halo would win this, as most of the rumbles won by Halo were a result of him turning up to the ring very late. Needless to say this was not the case, as The Doc quickly dosed Halo out of the ring as well as Gaben, who had recently eaten Woody. It is also presumed that Woody didn't taste too good and thus gave The Doc a chance to finally dose Gaben.
So here we are, the final three fighters. Wario, Mega Man and The Doc. The air was static and the tension could be felt by all, who would come out on top from this amazing rumble seen tonight? After eyeing each other down, the fight commences, The Doc trying to quickly dose Wario, but Wario was covering his butt at the time in pre-emptiveness. Not much can be said by Mega Man, as he did not achieve any eliminations and didn't really contribute at all to the rumble, we'll have to see if he performs any better in the coming rumbles. Wario swings furiously, after taunting off all the damage done by previous fighters, towards Mega Man and lands a very powerful Jew-Punch, rocketting Mega Man to the ropes. With one quick shove, Mega Man was jewed out of a win by Wario.
Thus the epic finale was on us, Wario vs The Doc. The encounter began, withWario taking no chances and rushing towards The Doc, swinging furiously and flooring him several times. The Doc fought back, refusing to be eliminated, or jewed, so quickly without even giving his daily dose. Alas, after being pounded over and over again by the relentless Wario, he was eventually jewed out of the ring, thus making Wario the reigning champion, once again, of Royal Rumble
While this fight was truly spectacular, there were some shenanigans going on backstage. I have been told from reliable sources that Wario had paid off alot of the combatants, including the newcomers, to just sit there and lose, allowing Wario a quick and clear victory. It is evident, though, that Woody and The Doc refused this offer, as Woody almost eliminated Wario at one point, whereas The Doc did some serious damage to Wario while they were both in the ring.
It has also come to our attention that Jew-Magic was unfairly used, as Wario easily broke out of almost being eliminated by Woody, when the crowd was all but certain that Wario was going to be eliminated, as he had sustained several strong head blows earlier on.
This reporter's conclusion? This rumble was rigged. Although it was entertaining and thrilling, Jew Tactics were definitely involved and easily decided the outcome of this rumble before it had began.